The Ranting Insider
A Few Suggestions For The Heroes Video Game In Development
October 01, 2008
I got home last night and started to get in my required 3v3s so I can collect my arena World of Warcraft points that will allow me to buy sweet ass PvP gear. Then it dawned on me that it will be rendered completely useless in one month when Lich King comes out. So instead I fired up the TiVo and saw, to my surprise, that it was recording the second episode of Heroes. As much as I didn’t want to give a shit, I remember once upon a time in season one when I actually thought that his show was really interesting. I got sick as hell on and trip to Amsterdam, and holed up in some tiny-ass hotel room, watching Heroes on my laptop made me feel like everything was going to be all right.
Seeing as Ubisoft has the license to take Heroes from the small screen to consoles, and I owed the series some small amount of gratitude, I backtracked and saw the season premiere still unwatched. I sat through two fucking hours of Heroes only to confirm what I already knew about the show. Peter Petrelli, the cheerleader, HRG (the cheerleader’s non-biological dad), and Sylar, are the only marginally interesting elements to the show. Furthermore, whoever at Ubisoft wanted to make this game really has there job cut out for them unless they are really into the idea of making a game where the heroes are retards and the plots make absolutely no fucking sense. So let me get back on point here and break down how gameplay would work for each of our heroes per the disgrace of the season three premiere. Check it out after the jump.
Hiro & his bromance Ando: Gameplay will be quest-based, providing alternate storyline branches based on choices made in the course of each mission. While missions may vary, gameplay will always revolve around doing the most idiotic things possible, and then doing the exact opposite of what needs to be done to fix it. Mission One: Hiro teleports his doughy ass and his sidekick back to the early 80s and ends up in camp Crystal Lake. He hears a bone chilling scream combined with the unmistakable revving of a wood chipper coming from the basement. Ando tells him in a bad Japanese accent (yes it is a fake Japanese accent - I know I speak Japanese) “Hiro do not go down there!” “No Ando I am a hero! It is my destiny!” Jason then machetes the living shit out of the world’s weakest time ninja and we can move on to the next part of the movie that might actually be interesting, like some good old fashioned 80s nude scene with a woman that looks like she’s holding a raccoon in her lap. Did I fail to mention that there would only be one quest?
